Talkin' Thursdays-College Mom Edition

I just sent my oldest child off to college. Of course I worry about her. I worry about her safety. I worry that she isn't getting enough sleep. I worry that she isn't eating right. But what I don't worry about are her decisions about dating and relationships.

I can honestly say that I do not remember ever having “The Talk” with Becky. That is because from the time she was a toddler, I made a conscious effort to have an ongoing open dialogue with her about sex and relationships. We had some very concrete teachable moments too since she is 6 ½ years older than her sister and 8 years older than her brother. She asked lots of questions during my pregnancies and I didn’t hold back. At times I’m sure I gave her more information than she needed at her age but since we had started the conversations early it never seemed awkward.

She has grown into a young woman with big dreams for her future in music education and she is self-confident enough to be very picky about whom she chooses to date. Although she’s had her share of relationships that did not work out, all of the young men have had one thing in common besides their participation in marching band – they have been respectful to her and to her family. Of course I’m lucky that Becky has been so easy to raise but I’d like to think that maybe our early, ongoing dialogue about sex and relationships have had something to do with the good decisions she has made.

Now I wonder if she’s doing her laundry right…

by:  Melaine Foltz, Director or Finance, SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Talkin' Tuesdays-Toddler Edition

My son will be three this November, and boy is he inquisitive. But, as I have been taught by my colleagues, I am not shying away from any conversation Lucas initiates, and I am taking advantage of teachable moments as they occur. Take a simple Easter egg for example. He found one in the house the other day and was pretending there was a baby alligator inside that was soon going to hatch. We even had to take it on a walk with us in case it hatched before we got back to the house.

Once we started talking about alligators, I was telling him all of the other animals that are born via hatching. Dinosaurs (he knew this one because of one of his favorite shows Dinosaur Train), chickens (which he thought was funny for some reason), birds, turtles, etc. He then said, “When I was a baby, I was born in a BIG egg.” To which, I then replied, “No Lucas, people aren’t born in eggs; babies live in their mommies for 9 months and then they are born.” I thought that was all he needed to know for now; and I was right, he didn’t ask any other questions about the birth part. Whew…

I have heard from many of my colleagues that adults often want to over-complicate conversations about love, sex and relationships, especially with younger children. When, in fact, they just want simple answers to their questions, and then they want to move on – on to their train tracks or super hero figurines or tricycles. That is why I am trying to teach Lucas as life happens and on a need-to-know-basis. At three, there are certain things he needs to know and certain things I don’t need to talk about yet. Luckily, the SC Campaign does a great job of laying these out for us parents. Take a look at the Parent Portal and pay particular attention to the Age-Appropriate Guidelines section. It helped me, and I am sure it will help you too!

by Cayci Banks, Director of Communications, SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Advice from a gay guy to the straight guys about having kids...

So if you didn't know me or haven't met me before, let me start by admitting that yes, I'm gay, and I happen to care very deeply about the importance of preventing teen pregnancy. Friends and family are often surprised when I tell them about the work that I do, after all, my partner of 4 years and I, will never have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy. But that's the point I want to address with all those straight male readers out there. I want to give you some advice about what it takes to start a family.

Recently I read that Levi Johnston, famous for his relationship (and unplanned pregnancy) with Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol, just had his second child. When asked in an interview if this 2^nd pregnancy was planned he said “No, but uh, you know, things happen…” Things happen? Come on, man! Is that how babies are made? Have you been watching Disney’s Dumbo where babies were delivered by storks?!

Several of my family members have had children, and I love my nephews, niece, and cousin’s daughter all very dearly. In fact, I take great pride in being an uncle, shopping for birthday gifts is a blast every year and my relatives can count on Uncle Ryan to always give Dr. Seuss inspired books and toys or event better, baby sized Converse All Star (Chuck Taylor) shoes – passing along some of my favorite things to these wonderful children. But if you asked any of my family members, if they had planned to have kids, or in hind site, were they truly ready to have kids, I’m pretty certain all of them will admit that they were not ready to have kids at their age, even if they started at 25 and older with good careers and stable homes. Starting a family changes everything in life and guys need to prepare for that fact.

You see, intention to have kids, or another way of saying, planning when not to have kids, takes some effort. Using a condom takes a few steps starting with whether you actually have condoms available. Visiting a doctor to request hormonal contraception is not a difficult process for most individuals but takes effort to plan ahead. What is not difficult and costs nothing, is making the decision that you will wait to have sex, or deciding to take steps to delay pregnancy, until you are truly ready to have children!

See, if Levi Johnston, had been planning for when “things happen” was about to happen, he could have put on a condom or checked with his girlfriend about her contraception usage. That small step to plan a pregnancy or the delay of pregnancy, means the difference of having a child before you are ready to be a parent.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condemning Levi for having two children, both unintended, nor am I in anyway trying to imply that either child isn’t a wonderful addition to our planet. Each life that is born is precious and we should not demonize any child born as a result of the choices their parents made. But studies show, that when children are born to teen parents, their chances of growing up in poverty are higher, their health is often not as great, the cycle of poverty continues and the outcomes for the child are not usually as positive as when a child is born after careful family planning. The point being, if teens aren’t ready to start families because they are still teens, then we need to be helping support those teens decision to delay their families till they are ready to become adults.

Take it from a gay guy, who if he ever wants to have kids, will have to think long and hard about the choice between surrogacy or adoption, will have to save up thousands of dollars, employ lawyers and doctors to help get to a place where I can be a father… It will take a lot of planning and intention for me to have that child some day and to start a family with my partner. I will have to be absolutely sure about wanting to be a parent before I can start that process. Once I do become a father, I will love and support that child because I worked hard to reach a point where I was ready to start a family.

So my advice to straight guys, keep me in mind as you think about when you plan to start a family. You can’t just ‘you know, let things happen.’ You gotta put some thought and intention into your actions. You have to work just as hard NOT to have a child, as I have to work some day TO have a child. You gotta be willing to carry, and use, condoms to be sure that your not causing a pregnancy that you could prevent. You gotta have the guts to ask your partner if she is using birth control so you know whether she is taking her own steps to prevent pregnancy and then you still need to use the condom so you can prevent transmission of STDs.

by Ryan Wilson, Training Coordinator of the SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

"You May Now HUG the Bride"

I attended a wedding this weekend where it was evident that the wedding was truly an event to celebrate life, love and family. It was one of those weddings that I walked away from feeling the love and not just wondering "geez, that was a pretty pricey wedding to celebrate a sham of a relationship...well at least the food was good"(and don't judge me, you have been to those weddings too). I suppose the beauty in the wedding that I attended was the fact that the brides' parents are still madly in love with each other and have an amazing relationship with their adult children. I was in awe of the way that the mother of the bride lit up when she was looking at her daughter walk down the aisle and the way the father of the bride was overwhelmed with joy to gain a son-in-law. When most fathers only see their responsibility as footing the bill for a wedding, this father actually officiated the wedding so that he could play a larger part in the ceremony.

These types of relationships are completely nonexistent for some young people; they never get to see what it is like for the adults in their life to have a healthy, loving and supportive relationship with anyone. Since most of my childhood was in a single-parent home, I often wondered what it was like to have both parents at home or even both parents in the same room without some sort of disagreement or evil-eye stare. One of our responsibilities is to teach young people about healthy relationships but shouldn’t we also be modeling those healthy relationships? All too often I see an adult in a completely unhealthy relationship, and they just can’t understand why their children are in the same kind of relationship. Young people not only need to know the factors related to a healthy relationship, they need to see them in real life. As adults we have a responsibility to practice what we preach to our young people. We can’t be engaged in unhealthy behaviors with our own partners such as cheating, lying, controlling behavior or abuse, and then lecture to young people about how they should avoid these behaviors in their own relationships.

After attending this wedding, it gave me hope – hope that all young people will have adults in their life that have loving, supportive and healthy relationships that they can aspire to have with their own partners. When young people have the opportunity to see what a healthy relationship looks like, they will be more likely to emulate these behaviors with their own partners. The bride and groom at this wedding are lucky enough to have these relationships in their life and they know how much they are loved and supported by their parents. Of course, the bride will always be her daddy’s little girl so at the end of the ceremony the father of the bride couldn’t help to revise the traditional script by saying “you may now HUG the bride.”

by:  Sarah Kershner, Project Coordinator for SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Nowadays, they do more than talk on that phone...

As a mom of a two and a half year old, I have come to appreciate my smart phone - sometimes it's my only hope if I want to have a productive trip to the grocery store. Lucas loves the apps that are helping him learn his shapes, alphabet, colors, numbers and more. He is even better than I am at games like Angry Birds and Temple Run - it’s amazing how quickly he has picked up on  technology and the way he can navigate through my phone. But, his favorite app is YouTube because he can look up silly videos about trains or monster trucks and watch some of his favorite shows like Pokoyo and Spiderman.

However, as we all know, there is a lot of material on YouTube that you don’t want your toddler viewing. So, as a parent, I strictly monitor what Lucas is watching and playing with on my phone. Granted, he is two, but I think it is becoming increasingly important for parents of children of all ages to know what their kids are up to on their cell phones.


A new study by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy says that 20% of teens are now sexting – the practice of sending sexually explicit text messages to others. Because of my job this didn’t surprise me too much, but as a mother I hope this news will serve as a wakeup call to parents. Yes, I know teens need their privacy, and when Lucas gets to that stage in his life where he wants to go to his room and shut the door, I will come to grips with it. But, what teens also need is a parent – a parent who cares enough about their child to take a look at his/her text messages; a parent who cares enough to sign up for Facebook so they can monitor what is happening on their son/daughter’s page. A parent who cares enough to have difficult conversations.

No, as parents we aren’t always going to be our kids’ best friend. At times, they may really resent us; but I think that is what being a parent is all about. I remember times growing up when I thought, “my parents just don’t understand” or “this is so unfair”, but looking back, I now know it was called love. My parents cared enough about me and my future to set boundaries, to check in on those boundaries, and to talk to me about my friends and boyfriend (who is now my husband J).  
Teens are going to make mistakes along the way; heck, adults are going to make plenty of mistakes, but if I can educate my child on our family values, on the ways that improper use of cell phones and social media can hinder him from reaching his goals; I am going to do it – even if he doesn’t want to hear it.

By Cayci Banks, Director of Communications for the SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

(Editor’s “Cheeky” Note: Someone in the Royal Family should care enough too! Latest scandal with Royal Family and Prince Harry is enough to show how dangerous data plans and camera phones can be! Don’t be like the Royals…keep up with your kids and teach them responsibility with their online presence!)

Let's Recap: Summertime Vetos and Reproductive Rights

 To say this summer has been a busy one for reproductive rights may be
putting it lightly. For those of us working in the field it has felt a bit like a battlefield.

While many were all out celebrating our nation’s freedom, the SC governor was constructing a veto that seemed to add insult to injury for victims of sexual assault. On July 5, Governor Haley released a list of vetoes including Veto 51 that cut $454,000 that was to be given to the SC Department of Health and Environmental Control (SC DHEC) to fund rape and sexual assault prevention programs across our state. To make matters worse, she claimed that providing these services to rape and sexual assault victims and their families was a distraction to the overall mission of DHEC. As if victims of rape and sexual assault do not feel isolated enough from society, Nikki Haley made a public statement that the small slice of normal they are given through the services of a victim advocate is nothing but a distraction for the community.

In a press conference held at the office of Sexual Trauma Services of the Midlands on Monday, July 16, representatives from both sides of the political sector were present. The message from all of them was clear: rape and sexual assault can affect anyone at anytime no matter one’s race, gender, age or political affiliation. While women are targeted at a much higher rate (1 in 6 women are directly affected), it is estimated that one in every 33 American men will become a victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime [1].

It is imperative that funding to prevent rape and sexual assault be maintained in our state. Sexual assault has the ability to change a person’s life forever. Sexually abused teens are more likely to run away from home, use drugs, and experience psychological changes in the brain [2]. In addition, sexually abused adolescents are more likely to experience a pregnancy than non-abused teens [2]. Sexually abused adolescents are also less likely to use condoms or other forms of contraception [2]. Providing funding to organizations and programs who work around the clock to provide assistance to victims and their families deserve our support.

  I am proud to report that 111 House members and 39 Senate members were able to overturn this veto. It is near impossible for me to put into words how proud and appreciative I am of those House and Senate members who not only understood the importance of funding rape crisis centers, but had the courage to stand up for the victims.

When a person is victimized by sexual assault, the entire community is affected. In order to strengthen our community, we must protect every member.

References
[1] Rape Abuse Incest National Network (RAINN), http://www.rainn.org/
[2] Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2004, 36(3):98-105. Found online: http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/3609804.html

Sports and Safe Sex...

As most Americans are doing these days, I try to avoid Olympic results on Facebook and Twitter so I can watch the games at night without already knowing the outcome. I am exhausted from staying up late, but it's worth it to watch Michael Phelps become the most decorated Olympian ever and to watch the Fab 5 (USA women’s gymnastics team) take gold in the team competition. What I have also loved about this year’s games are the commercials. P&G has done a great job of showing what it is like to be an athlete’s mom, Nike has shown us that there is greatness in us all, and Visa has portrayed some of the best Olympic moments – with the soothing sounds of Morgan Freeman as voiceover, of course. But, one advertisement you may not have seen, is a billboard that Durex condoms put up in London this month. The famous Olympic rings are condoms and the words are simple, “Usain, not every man wants to be the fastest in the world.” How true that is.

Durex serves as the official condom distributor of the Olympics, providing 150,000 to the Olympic village alone. Yes, you read that number right…150,000. Apparently, more happens at the Olympics than tumbling, swimming and fencing! At least we know safe sex is a priority.

What’s been your favorite commercial of the games?

 

by Cayci Banks, Director of Communications, SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy