The Making of a Man

I had the pleasure of attending a Young Men’s Program meeting in Boston last week hosted by John Snow, Inc. (JSI). The goal was for us to learn how to better engage young men in teen pregnancy prevention work, but the result was so much more! As a female, I have taken for granted how differently our boys and young men think, act, and believe because I have not had the experience of being male. As we kick off Let’s Talk Month, there are some things to keep in mind when communicating with our young men – full credit for these concepts goes to Ozvaldo “Ozzie” Cruz and Mario Ozuna-Sanchez of the National Compadres Network and National Latino Fatherhood and Family Institute.

Society teaches young men that they are supposed to be strong and not show emotion – they are supposed to be the protectors. They must be respected.  If not taught how to be protective, our boys and men can express this sentiment through violence. We need to talk to our young men about the difference between being a warrior and a soldier – soldiers follow orders as they go into war. Warriors try to protect and avoid situations that would be unsafe. Our boys are often entering into battle to show that they are strong because they don’t understand that using their head instead of their fists shows greater strength.

 Our boys seek relationships, but if they aren’t taught what a healthy relationship looks like, they begin to equate sex with relationships. The media teaches our young men that they aren’t “real men” if they aren’t having sex as often as possible with as many women as possible.  We need to help our young men understand that while relationships can certainly be sexual, having sex with someone is not the same as being in a meaningful, fulfilling relationship. It’s also important for them to understand the importance of having strong relationships with other men.

Males value honor, but if not taught how to live honorably, it is easy to determine that honor comes with money and material possessions. When our young men equate success with the size of their paycheck, selling drugs (for example) may seem like a really good idea. Making money at all costs makes sense. We need to work with our young men to develop a different understanding of success and what it means to be a man of honor.

The final thought from Ozzie and Mario that stuck with me is that we, as adults, do not give our young people purpose. They already have purpose. Our job is to help them unearth what their purpose is. I’m hoping that Let’s Talk Month will push me to meet some young men where they are as they are and help them learn their purpose. And I hope that you will do the same.

For advice on how to talk to your child or other youth, visit our Parent Portal.

by Dana Becker, Spartanburg Community Mobilization Coordinator, SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Advice from a gay guy to the straight guys about having kids...

So if you didn't know me or haven't met me before, let me start by admitting that yes, I'm gay, and I happen to care very deeply about the importance of preventing teen pregnancy. Friends and family are often surprised when I tell them about the work that I do, after all, my partner of 4 years and I, will never have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy. But that's the point I want to address with all those straight male readers out there. I want to give you some advice about what it takes to start a family.

Recently I read that Levi Johnston, famous for his relationship (and unplanned pregnancy) with Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol, just had his second child. When asked in an interview if this 2^nd pregnancy was planned he said “No, but uh, you know, things happen…” Things happen? Come on, man! Is that how babies are made? Have you been watching Disney’s Dumbo where babies were delivered by storks?!

Several of my family members have had children, and I love my nephews, niece, and cousin’s daughter all very dearly. In fact, I take great pride in being an uncle, shopping for birthday gifts is a blast every year and my relatives can count on Uncle Ryan to always give Dr. Seuss inspired books and toys or event better, baby sized Converse All Star (Chuck Taylor) shoes – passing along some of my favorite things to these wonderful children. But if you asked any of my family members, if they had planned to have kids, or in hind site, were they truly ready to have kids, I’m pretty certain all of them will admit that they were not ready to have kids at their age, even if they started at 25 and older with good careers and stable homes. Starting a family changes everything in life and guys need to prepare for that fact.

You see, intention to have kids, or another way of saying, planning when not to have kids, takes some effort. Using a condom takes a few steps starting with whether you actually have condoms available. Visiting a doctor to request hormonal contraception is not a difficult process for most individuals but takes effort to plan ahead. What is not difficult and costs nothing, is making the decision that you will wait to have sex, or deciding to take steps to delay pregnancy, until you are truly ready to have children!

See, if Levi Johnston, had been planning for when “things happen” was about to happen, he could have put on a condom or checked with his girlfriend about her contraception usage. That small step to plan a pregnancy or the delay of pregnancy, means the difference of having a child before you are ready to be a parent.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condemning Levi for having two children, both unintended, nor am I in anyway trying to imply that either child isn’t a wonderful addition to our planet. Each life that is born is precious and we should not demonize any child born as a result of the choices their parents made. But studies show, that when children are born to teen parents, their chances of growing up in poverty are higher, their health is often not as great, the cycle of poverty continues and the outcomes for the child are not usually as positive as when a child is born after careful family planning. The point being, if teens aren’t ready to start families because they are still teens, then we need to be helping support those teens decision to delay their families till they are ready to become adults.

Take it from a gay guy, who if he ever wants to have kids, will have to think long and hard about the choice between surrogacy or adoption, will have to save up thousands of dollars, employ lawyers and doctors to help get to a place where I can be a father… It will take a lot of planning and intention for me to have that child some day and to start a family with my partner. I will have to be absolutely sure about wanting to be a parent before I can start that process. Once I do become a father, I will love and support that child because I worked hard to reach a point where I was ready to start a family.

So my advice to straight guys, keep me in mind as you think about when you plan to start a family. You can’t just ‘you know, let things happen.’ You gotta put some thought and intention into your actions. You have to work just as hard NOT to have a child, as I have to work some day TO have a child. You gotta be willing to carry, and use, condoms to be sure that your not causing a pregnancy that you could prevent. You gotta have the guts to ask your partner if she is using birth control so you know whether she is taking her own steps to prevent pregnancy and then you still need to use the condom so you can prevent transmission of STDs.

by Ryan Wilson, Training Coordinator of the SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Nowadays, they do more than talk on that phone...

As a mom of a two and a half year old, I have come to appreciate my smart phone - sometimes it's my only hope if I want to have a productive trip to the grocery store. Lucas loves the apps that are helping him learn his shapes, alphabet, colors, numbers and more. He is even better than I am at games like Angry Birds and Temple Run - it’s amazing how quickly he has picked up on  technology and the way he can navigate through my phone. But, his favorite app is YouTube because he can look up silly videos about trains or monster trucks and watch some of his favorite shows like Pokoyo and Spiderman.

However, as we all know, there is a lot of material on YouTube that you don’t want your toddler viewing. So, as a parent, I strictly monitor what Lucas is watching and playing with on my phone. Granted, he is two, but I think it is becoming increasingly important for parents of children of all ages to know what their kids are up to on their cell phones.


A new study by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy says that 20% of teens are now sexting – the practice of sending sexually explicit text messages to others. Because of my job this didn’t surprise me too much, but as a mother I hope this news will serve as a wakeup call to parents. Yes, I know teens need their privacy, and when Lucas gets to that stage in his life where he wants to go to his room and shut the door, I will come to grips with it. But, what teens also need is a parent – a parent who cares enough about their child to take a look at his/her text messages; a parent who cares enough to sign up for Facebook so they can monitor what is happening on their son/daughter’s page. A parent who cares enough to have difficult conversations.

No, as parents we aren’t always going to be our kids’ best friend. At times, they may really resent us; but I think that is what being a parent is all about. I remember times growing up when I thought, “my parents just don’t understand” or “this is so unfair”, but looking back, I now know it was called love. My parents cared enough about me and my future to set boundaries, to check in on those boundaries, and to talk to me about my friends and boyfriend (who is now my husband J).  
Teens are going to make mistakes along the way; heck, adults are going to make plenty of mistakes, but if I can educate my child on our family values, on the ways that improper use of cell phones and social media can hinder him from reaching his goals; I am going to do it – even if he doesn’t want to hear it.

By Cayci Banks, Director of Communications for the SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

(Editor’s “Cheeky” Note: Someone in the Royal Family should care enough too! Latest scandal with Royal Family and Prince Harry is enough to show how dangerous data plans and camera phones can be! Don’t be like the Royals…keep up with your kids and teach them responsibility with their online presence!)

Consider Gender in Addressing Teen Pregnancy

Earlier this month I attended Healthy Teen Network’s 32nd Annual Conference. The week was filled with thought provoking conversations surrounding gender. During the opening session, Keynote Speaker Elizabeth Schroeder, had us do a simple activity. She asked us to write down five roles we play. Next, she asked us to make note of how many had something to do with gender. That question set the tone for the conference. Over the next few days I attended session after session where presenters asked us to think of how much we ignore and focus on gender simultaneously.

The NRN Spartanburg Community Action Group chose male involvement as one of the determinates to target as part of the CDC Project. Therefore, I chose to attend breakout sessions specifically about that population. My favorite session was titled, "No Resources Left Untouched: Engaging Young Males and Men in the Effort to Build Healthy Families and Communities." 

As a music lover, getting tips on using music to encourage young men to talk about what being a man and becoming a father means to them was invaluable. There was one sentence in the conference booklet that I think spoke volumes to this subject. It read, “By not serving the needs of young men, programs can be complicit in reinforcing the ideal that young men are the problem and not part of the solution to preventing teen pregnancy.” 

One of the other breakout sessions I attended was "Engaging Young Male Athletes and Coaches to Prevent Sexual Violence." The presenters gave us an overview of a violence prevention program entitled “Coaching Boys into Men.” We had a discussion about how commonly used phrases such as “You are throwing like a girl. You are running like a sissy.” have an effect on adolescent male attitude towards the opposite sex. If you’d like to download the Coaching Boys into Men Coaches Kit visit www.coachescorner.org. Overall I was pleased with my first HTN conference and look forward to next year in Minneapolis, MN.

- Meredith M. Talford, MPH, CHES, is the Upstate Training and Technical Assistance Specialist. E-mail Meredith at mtalford@teenpregnancysc.org.