Advice from a gay guy to the straight guys about having kids...

So if you didn't know me or haven't met me before, let me start by admitting that yes, I'm gay, and I happen to care very deeply about the importance of preventing teen pregnancy. Friends and family are often surprised when I tell them about the work that I do, after all, my partner of 4 years and I, will never have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy. But that's the point I want to address with all those straight male readers out there. I want to give you some advice about what it takes to start a family.

Recently I read that Levi Johnston, famous for his relationship (and unplanned pregnancy) with Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol, just had his second child. When asked in an interview if this 2^nd pregnancy was planned he said “No, but uh, you know, things happen…” Things happen? Come on, man! Is that how babies are made? Have you been watching Disney’s Dumbo where babies were delivered by storks?!

Several of my family members have had children, and I love my nephews, niece, and cousin’s daughter all very dearly. In fact, I take great pride in being an uncle, shopping for birthday gifts is a blast every year and my relatives can count on Uncle Ryan to always give Dr. Seuss inspired books and toys or event better, baby sized Converse All Star (Chuck Taylor) shoes – passing along some of my favorite things to these wonderful children. But if you asked any of my family members, if they had planned to have kids, or in hind site, were they truly ready to have kids, I’m pretty certain all of them will admit that they were not ready to have kids at their age, even if they started at 25 and older with good careers and stable homes. Starting a family changes everything in life and guys need to prepare for that fact.

You see, intention to have kids, or another way of saying, planning when not to have kids, takes some effort. Using a condom takes a few steps starting with whether you actually have condoms available. Visiting a doctor to request hormonal contraception is not a difficult process for most individuals but takes effort to plan ahead. What is not difficult and costs nothing, is making the decision that you will wait to have sex, or deciding to take steps to delay pregnancy, until you are truly ready to have children!

See, if Levi Johnston, had been planning for when “things happen” was about to happen, he could have put on a condom or checked with his girlfriend about her contraception usage. That small step to plan a pregnancy or the delay of pregnancy, means the difference of having a child before you are ready to be a parent.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condemning Levi for having two children, both unintended, nor am I in anyway trying to imply that either child isn’t a wonderful addition to our planet. Each life that is born is precious and we should not demonize any child born as a result of the choices their parents made. But studies show, that when children are born to teen parents, their chances of growing up in poverty are higher, their health is often not as great, the cycle of poverty continues and the outcomes for the child are not usually as positive as when a child is born after careful family planning. The point being, if teens aren’t ready to start families because they are still teens, then we need to be helping support those teens decision to delay their families till they are ready to become adults.

Take it from a gay guy, who if he ever wants to have kids, will have to think long and hard about the choice between surrogacy or adoption, will have to save up thousands of dollars, employ lawyers and doctors to help get to a place where I can be a father… It will take a lot of planning and intention for me to have that child some day and to start a family with my partner. I will have to be absolutely sure about wanting to be a parent before I can start that process. Once I do become a father, I will love and support that child because I worked hard to reach a point where I was ready to start a family.

So my advice to straight guys, keep me in mind as you think about when you plan to start a family. You can’t just ‘you know, let things happen.’ You gotta put some thought and intention into your actions. You have to work just as hard NOT to have a child, as I have to work some day TO have a child. You gotta be willing to carry, and use, condoms to be sure that your not causing a pregnancy that you could prevent. You gotta have the guts to ask your partner if she is using birth control so you know whether she is taking her own steps to prevent pregnancy and then you still need to use the condom so you can prevent transmission of STDs.

by Ryan Wilson, Training Coordinator of the SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

"You May Now HUG the Bride"

I attended a wedding this weekend where it was evident that the wedding was truly an event to celebrate life, love and family. It was one of those weddings that I walked away from feeling the love and not just wondering "geez, that was a pretty pricey wedding to celebrate a sham of a relationship...well at least the food was good"(and don't judge me, you have been to those weddings too). I suppose the beauty in the wedding that I attended was the fact that the brides' parents are still madly in love with each other and have an amazing relationship with their adult children. I was in awe of the way that the mother of the bride lit up when she was looking at her daughter walk down the aisle and the way the father of the bride was overwhelmed with joy to gain a son-in-law. When most fathers only see their responsibility as footing the bill for a wedding, this father actually officiated the wedding so that he could play a larger part in the ceremony.

These types of relationships are completely nonexistent for some young people; they never get to see what it is like for the adults in their life to have a healthy, loving and supportive relationship with anyone. Since most of my childhood was in a single-parent home, I often wondered what it was like to have both parents at home or even both parents in the same room without some sort of disagreement or evil-eye stare. One of our responsibilities is to teach young people about healthy relationships but shouldn’t we also be modeling those healthy relationships? All too often I see an adult in a completely unhealthy relationship, and they just can’t understand why their children are in the same kind of relationship. Young people not only need to know the factors related to a healthy relationship, they need to see them in real life. As adults we have a responsibility to practice what we preach to our young people. We can’t be engaged in unhealthy behaviors with our own partners such as cheating, lying, controlling behavior or abuse, and then lecture to young people about how they should avoid these behaviors in their own relationships.

After attending this wedding, it gave me hope – hope that all young people will have adults in their life that have loving, supportive and healthy relationships that they can aspire to have with their own partners. When young people have the opportunity to see what a healthy relationship looks like, they will be more likely to emulate these behaviors with their own partners. The bride and groom at this wedding are lucky enough to have these relationships in their life and they know how much they are loved and supported by their parents. Of course, the bride will always be her daddy’s little girl so at the end of the ceremony the father of the bride couldn’t help to revise the traditional script by saying “you may now HUG the bride.”

by:  Sarah Kershner, Project Coordinator for SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Nowadays, they do more than talk on that phone...

As a mom of a two and a half year old, I have come to appreciate my smart phone - sometimes it's my only hope if I want to have a productive trip to the grocery store. Lucas loves the apps that are helping him learn his shapes, alphabet, colors, numbers and more. He is even better than I am at games like Angry Birds and Temple Run - it’s amazing how quickly he has picked up on  technology and the way he can navigate through my phone. But, his favorite app is YouTube because he can look up silly videos about trains or monster trucks and watch some of his favorite shows like Pokoyo and Spiderman.

However, as we all know, there is a lot of material on YouTube that you don’t want your toddler viewing. So, as a parent, I strictly monitor what Lucas is watching and playing with on my phone. Granted, he is two, but I think it is becoming increasingly important for parents of children of all ages to know what their kids are up to on their cell phones.


A new study by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy says that 20% of teens are now sexting – the practice of sending sexually explicit text messages to others. Because of my job this didn’t surprise me too much, but as a mother I hope this news will serve as a wakeup call to parents. Yes, I know teens need their privacy, and when Lucas gets to that stage in his life where he wants to go to his room and shut the door, I will come to grips with it. But, what teens also need is a parent – a parent who cares enough about their child to take a look at his/her text messages; a parent who cares enough to sign up for Facebook so they can monitor what is happening on their son/daughter’s page. A parent who cares enough to have difficult conversations.

No, as parents we aren’t always going to be our kids’ best friend. At times, they may really resent us; but I think that is what being a parent is all about. I remember times growing up when I thought, “my parents just don’t understand” or “this is so unfair”, but looking back, I now know it was called love. My parents cared enough about me and my future to set boundaries, to check in on those boundaries, and to talk to me about my friends and boyfriend (who is now my husband J).  
Teens are going to make mistakes along the way; heck, adults are going to make plenty of mistakes, but if I can educate my child on our family values, on the ways that improper use of cell phones and social media can hinder him from reaching his goals; I am going to do it – even if he doesn’t want to hear it.

By Cayci Banks, Director of Communications for the SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

(Editor’s “Cheeky” Note: Someone in the Royal Family should care enough too! Latest scandal with Royal Family and Prince Harry is enough to show how dangerous data plans and camera phones can be! Don’t be like the Royals…keep up with your kids and teach them responsibility with their online presence!)

Let's Recap: Summertime Vetos and Reproductive Rights

 To say this summer has been a busy one for reproductive rights may be
putting it lightly. For those of us working in the field it has felt a bit like a battlefield.

While many were all out celebrating our nation’s freedom, the SC governor was constructing a veto that seemed to add insult to injury for victims of sexual assault. On July 5, Governor Haley released a list of vetoes including Veto 51 that cut $454,000 that was to be given to the SC Department of Health and Environmental Control (SC DHEC) to fund rape and sexual assault prevention programs across our state. To make matters worse, she claimed that providing these services to rape and sexual assault victims and their families was a distraction to the overall mission of DHEC. As if victims of rape and sexual assault do not feel isolated enough from society, Nikki Haley made a public statement that the small slice of normal they are given through the services of a victim advocate is nothing but a distraction for the community.

In a press conference held at the office of Sexual Trauma Services of the Midlands on Monday, July 16, representatives from both sides of the political sector were present. The message from all of them was clear: rape and sexual assault can affect anyone at anytime no matter one’s race, gender, age or political affiliation. While women are targeted at a much higher rate (1 in 6 women are directly affected), it is estimated that one in every 33 American men will become a victim of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime [1].

It is imperative that funding to prevent rape and sexual assault be maintained in our state. Sexual assault has the ability to change a person’s life forever. Sexually abused teens are more likely to run away from home, use drugs, and experience psychological changes in the brain [2]. In addition, sexually abused adolescents are more likely to experience a pregnancy than non-abused teens [2]. Sexually abused adolescents are also less likely to use condoms or other forms of contraception [2]. Providing funding to organizations and programs who work around the clock to provide assistance to victims and their families deserve our support.

  I am proud to report that 111 House members and 39 Senate members were able to overturn this veto. It is near impossible for me to put into words how proud and appreciative I am of those House and Senate members who not only understood the importance of funding rape crisis centers, but had the courage to stand up for the victims.

When a person is victimized by sexual assault, the entire community is affected. In order to strengthen our community, we must protect every member.

References
[1] Rape Abuse Incest National Network (RAINN), http://www.rainn.org/
[2] Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2004, 36(3):98-105. Found online: http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/3609804.html

New Generation of Communication....

While attending a recent youth workshop on social media hosted by the SC Campaign's FABULOUS Health Communications Specialist Taylor Wilson, I learned a few things about the art of social media. My discoveries included:


1) As a blogger, I tend to RANT. If you look back at any of my previous blogs on Personal Perspectives, you’ll notice that I’m often motivated to write because something or someone has ticked me off (see my blog on lingerie football if you don’t believe me). Fortunately for me, RANTS are a type of blog content that drive social engagement. Today, however, I’m choosing to LIST and discuss TRENDS. See? I’m learning! http://socialmediatoday.com/node/585646

2) My daily tweet totals (at both @upstateSC and @nrnspartanburg) contributed to the 16,000 tweets-per-second in 2012. (Yes. That is SECONDS. As in 60 seconds in a minute which results in 960,000 tweets-per-minute which results in 57,600,000 in an hour which results in numbers larger than I care to calculate!). http://socialmediatoday.com/your-social-move/438780/noteworthy-social-media-facts-begin-2012

3) Only 19.7% of the Facebook user-base is located in the United States. Hablas ingles, mi amigo? http://socialmediatoday.com/your-social-move/438780/noteworthy-social-media-facts-begin-2012

4) Twitter makes people better writers. While I tend to think I’m an excellent writer already, any of my college professors could tell you I had trouble with fluff, embellishment, and excess in my writing. (Notice how I just used three words there that basically all mean the same thing? Yeah. The profs noticed it, too.) Twitter forces you to say what you need to say in 140 characters or less so you must learn to be concise. This, of course, also means that what SHOULD say “Welcome to Not Right Now Spartanburg! We’re glad you’ve decided to be part of this amazing teen pregnancy prevention initative to improve our community and look forward to seeing what you bring to our team” will end up saying “Welcome 2 NRN Sptbg. Glad u joined teen preg prev work 4 our community. Get 2 work.” http://girlswithpens.com/2011/05/23/top-5-reasons-to-join-twitter/

5) I am old. In the world of social media, those of us who didn’t GROW up with it have much more trouble KEEPING up with it. My 13-year old niece taught me things I could do on my i-pad that I’d never known about. My 11-year old nephew added a baseball game app that now keeps flashing at me to do something with it. Young people aren’t afraid to try out something new and, in fact, are often looking for the even-better next thing out there.

Why did I choose to share all of this with you? Because, as one incredibly smart Health Communications Specialist I know shared, if we aren’t bringing the issue of teen pregnancy to the social media realm, we will quickly make ourselves irrelevant. And one of the best ways to bring the issue to social media is by engaging our young people using that platform.


To learn a little more about the power of social media, check out this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oi34kVUEL5c. Then post a video of your own. Share it on Facebook. Tweet it to all of your followers. Blog about it yourself. Let’s keep the conversation going and meet young people where they are. I’m sure there’s an app for that.

by Dana Becker, Spartanburg Community Specialist for the SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

It is All About the Relationships

We read the news about teens in the United States:

• 47.4% had ever had sexual intercourse
• 33.7% had had sexual intercourse during the previous 3 months, and, of these;
• 39.8% did not use a condom the last time they had sex
• 76.7% did not use birth control pills or Depo-Provera to prevent pregnancy the last time they had sex  15.3%had had sex with four or more people during their life[1]

Those statistics terrify parents, faith leaders, educators, business leaders—and for good reason. The ramifications are more than we want to consider. In light of this, it is easy to narrow our focus. It is all about sex!

Many times that is where the fight centers. It is about sex! It is about teaching individuals not to have sex. It is about teaching individuals to use contraceptives when having sex. It is all about sex!

But it isn’t!

It is about the relationship! It is about the need that humans have to be intimate with another person, to feel desired and wanted and attractive and worthy. It is about being known by another person in the most intimate way possible. It is about being naked—physically and emotionally and know that you are safe!

It is about the relationship with parents, knowing that if you ask a question about sex you won’t be judged, ostracized or put on restriction. It is knowing that your teen is a lot like you were when you were their age—full of all the questions, fears, yearnings. It about allowing your relationship to grow and develop.

It is about the relationship with those who aren’t related to us, caring enough about the students in your class to know that what happens when they leave has as much to do with what they learn as what happens in class. It is knowing that if we don’t care enough about young people that we won’t have customers or workers in a few years, let along any one to pay for my Social Security!

It is about the relationships!

It is helping our young people make good decisions about their sexuality, but even more about how they navigate the troubled emotional waters. As Amber Madison reminded us at the recent Summer Institute, it all comes back to that note we used to pass in grade school: “I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no!”

As important as it is for us to help our youth deal with questions about sexuality—and we must help them make smart, informed, wise decisions—we also have to help them answer the relationship questions. “How do you know when you are in love? “ “Why does it hurt so bad when she said no?” “Why won’t anyone ask me out?” These questions are just as important—if not more basic!

And a personal note: It is about the relationships! Having been involved with the SC Campaign for over 18 years (I started when I was 7!) it has been the relationships that have been so wonderful. The opportunity to meet individuals from around our state who are so committed to making a better future for our children, who daily seek to make a difference! To hear your stories gives me hope!

It is about the relationships with the incredible members of the board of the SC Campaign. (As the old geezer emeritus member I can say that!) This past year the Molly Talbot—who I first met when she was our graduate assistant—was the chair of the board. Watching her so ably lead us was a joy! (I do sound like an old geezer, don’t I?!)

And it is about the relationships! Next week we add our congratulations and best wishes to Forrest Alton and Heather Brandt as they celebrate their wedding! It is a great gift to both of them!

See, it is about the relationship!

by Rev. Don Flowers, Past Board Chair for the SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.

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[1] Youth Risk Behavior Survey.  http://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/sexualbehaviors/index.htm

The Purity Ball Movement

The other day, I watched the National Geographic Channel series, TABOO. The episodes was about the rise of Purity Balls across the nation. If you aren't familiar with the concept, it's a formal ball where young ladies make a promise to remain a virgin until marriage. Their father places a promise ring on their finger to be replaced by a wedding ring from their husband. I watched father after father speak from their heart, sharing the hope that their beloved daughter would wait until marriage. A neighbor, who was watching it with me, made a backhanded comment about teen pregnancy. Naturally, I went into work mode and as I snapped back in my Jerry Maguire voice, "Show me the data", Professor Helen Fisher from Rutgers University pops on the screen and says, “research says that young girls who swear off sex, postpone for a short period of time, then impulsively have sex without any sex education.” Needless to say, I had to give my elevator speech on the power of Self-Efficacy. Self-Efficacy is a person's belief in his or her ability to succeed in a particular situation. (Albert Bandura) These young ladies have promised to abstain, but will they be taught the refusal skills and gain the self-efficacy to maintain that promise?

A while back, our CEO made a comment that shifted the way I approach my work. He said, “We must stop addressing teen pregnancy as a moral issue, but as a public health issue.” Personally, I respect the intention behind The Purity Ball Movement. Professionally, I question the impact they actually have on delaying the initiation of sex.

by Meredith Talford, Upstate Technical Assistance Specialist

Always be sure to Inspire, Connect, and Impact...

The kids are looking, so let's always Inspire, Connect, and Impact.

The stairs weren't this large, but Taylor, our blog manager, likes to exaggerate!

A few months ago, my then 2-year-old and I were walking downstairs at my Mother-in-Law's house.  I slipped while holding a glass of tea and, yes, I fell down the stairs. The rest of the family ­­­ FINE, I just lost my balance and dropped the glass.  My husband snickered because he knows how clumsy I can be, but everyone else was fine with my assertion that everything was ok….everyone except my 2-year old that is.  My toddler boldly inserts himself in the conversation and tells everyone to “WAIT…my Mommy FELL down those stairs RIGHT THERE and she fell LIKE THIS” – that’s when he goes back up the stairs and begins what turns into a live looped reenactment of my secretly not so flattering fall!!  No need for a You Tube video!  It was absolutely hilarious and made me realize that NOTHING gets past this kid.

All joking aside, as parents, teachers, counselors, social workers, and other youth-serving professionals, we should never take for granted how our words AND actions impact young people, especially those most vulnerable and at-risk.  None of us are perfect and young people KNOW THIS, so when we stumble or even fall, we must remember to show them how to persevere through difficult times, how to make tough decisions, and how to ask for help.

My immediate reaction to the fall was superficial…how do I look in this situation, how can I prove that I am really ok.  Yet, as adults, we always want kids to share, to be honest, and to listen.  Well, my toddler demanded that my true circumstances be brought to light.  And, really that’s what young people want…not to know all of our business, but to know that we care and are not judging them.  If we want young people to be open, then we must not be clouded by superficial notions of what things SHOULD look like, but be able to meet young people where they are and show our openness to what they have to say.

A few weeks ago, the SC Campaign hosted more than 350 youth-serving professionals at our 13^th annual Summer Institute, entitled Inspire, Connect, Impact.  We were grateful to have so many passionate adults willing to carve out some time to learn more about best practices in teen pregnancy prevention and other health/youth related efforts around the state and country.  Professional development opportunities like this shape our ability to effectively reach young people and to grow as mentors and role models for the next generation.

We can truly inspire, connect, and impact the lives of young people even as we constantly work our own way through the maze of life!

Kimberly Wicker is the Outreach Specialist for the SC Campaign.

Talking "the Talk"...

As someone who came into this field knowing very little about public health, I like to think I have learned quite a bit over the last five years and even have the talking points down pat, but having a son of my own, I have realized that it is much easier to talk the talk than it is to walk the walk.

What do I mean? Well, it is very easy to tell the public that parents are the number one influence on their children's decisions about love, sex and relationships. Very easy to tell parents they need to start conversations early and have them often. Very easy to tell parents to use teachable moments as a way to have ongoing conversations.

What's not so easy is when it's your own child and mine is only 2! But I am taking the advice of my colleagues and literally practicing what I preach.
Over the last couple of months I have come to realize that even for toddlers, teachable moments abound. In full disclosure, there is really no private time for mommy, so when Lucas follows me to the bathroom he has many questions - like why Mommy doesn't stand up or my favorite, "mommy, oh no, your penis is gone!!!" But, thanks to my job, I am equipped to use these moments to teach Lucas about body parts (so proud that he knows the real names) and how boys and girls are different, instead of shying away and avoiding his questions.

Believe me, I know the questions are going to get harder, but my hope is that they don't stop coming. I want Lucas to feel comfortable talking with me about tough topics and hopefully by "starting early" that will be our reality.

by:  Cayci Banks, Director of Communications, cbanks@teenpregnancysc.org.

Teen Prom Decision Challenged by Uninformed!

Told ya'!

I like to believe I am an average (slightly neurotic), informed citizen in these United States.  I read the news, I watch CNN, and I talk to other informed friends about world happenings.  I thus, understand a few things as more true than others, 1) The North seems slightly less conservative than the South on many issues, 2) there is a current insurgence in media coverage of reproductive rights, and 3) I could never be a news anchor and not crack up constantly.  Seriously, anyone out there who knows me, do you see me on the news...without giggling?  “Tonight on News at 7, Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons”  (That, by the way, folks, is a true headline used in the news…found weapons…at a gun shop-well call me shocked!)

Anyway, with the following things above being mostly true, in my opinion (maybe minus the last one), it struck me when I passed an article the other day, in the Huffington Post, about a New York school that was changing its mind about handing out condoms at the prom.  You read that last part correctly-“changing their minds”, meaning prior to the “changing”, a school had decided TO provide condoms at the prom.  There was some vitriol responses from SOME parents and community members about the schools decision to provide condoms at the prom, with some stating it gave the teens “permission” to go and have sex after the prom. 

There are statistics that tell us in high school, around 46% of teens report having had sexual intercourse (at least once)-with more than 1/3 of all high school students reported being sexually active.   Nearly half (49%) of all high school 12^th graders (READ:  PROM GOERS) reported being sexually active compared to (21%) of high school 9^th graders.  So what does this data mean in relation to this report? 

More than streamers, folks!

Well, first it means that the school district had a good idea-because teens in high school are having sex, with or without protection.  Secondly, it means that those who were worried that giving condoms would give teens “permission to have sex” need not worry-teens aren’t waiting for anyone to give them permission.  Thirdly, it means that now, because of some misinformed people, teens who are going to be sexually active on prom night have to purchase their own condoms, get them from their local health center, or worse case scenario, have sex without protection. 

Folks, here in America, we have to stop and understand the statistics.  Teens are having sex.  And because teens are sexually active, if we don’t provide them with access to the correct protection, they run the risk of unplanned pregnancy, STDs or even HIV.  We have to stop worrying that teens are waiting on the “go ahead” from adults to have sex.  They aren’t-whether we like it or not.  And we have to understand that providing protection doesn’t mean that they are going to make the decision to have sex.  I applaud the original intention of the high school administrators who started this idea, and am astonished at the ignorance of the people who fought to get this option removed from the school prom. 

Americans, teens need more than streamers to have a safe prom night!