If I Were a Child Again

A few Sundays ago, the pastor of Brookland Baptist Church gave a sermon on love, pertaining to parents and children.  The scriptural reading came from 1 Corinthians 13:4-13: “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. When I became a man, I put away childish things.”  He gave the sermon from the insight as a child talking to adults. 

Pastor Jackson’s first point of emphasis was:  I hope my parents and adults would remember when I had something to say I would SPEAK it as a child.  This means children imitate what is heard from other adults.  I have grown to realize many people do not believe that children listen to what they are saying, because they almost never listen whenever they are given advice. Children often see and hear more than what we think they do.  For instance, a story was told during the sermon about a little boy in Sunday School who was called upon to pray.  He started off his prayer with Dear Mr. Damn.  After he finished praying, the teacher asked why he referred to God as “Mr. D.”  The child answered saying, “Well, isn’t that God’s second name?”  He was speaking what he had heard from other adults.  Those adults are his role models, and I’ve heard many adults say, “Do as I say, not as I do,” but that doesn’t guarantee that a child won’t imitate you.        

Pastor Jackson’s second point was:  I hope my parents and other adults would remember I UNDERSTAND as a child. I put thoughts into action based on my understanding from my role models.  Basically, what I see in my parents and others is how I will act because what they are doing is how I understand things to work.  If parents and other role models portray strong work ethic, then children will understand what it means to work.  If there is an emphasis on education around children, then they will understand how important education is.  On the other hand, if a child only sees one parent or adult working in their household and the other sits at home watching TV and eating all day, then they will understand that this is the way a household should be.  

Finally, Pastor Jackon’s last point was this:  I hope my parents would remember that my childish thoughts about love are how my parents display love toward each other.  Pastor Jackson pointed out three kinds of love:  IF love, BECAUSE love and ANYHOW love.  IF love is explained as conditional love that depends on behavior; the love is earned.  An example given was:  “if you make all As and Bs in school, I’ll be proud of you as my child.”  All children understand IF love because they are always bargained with IF love to gain certain results.  Children recognize IF love that is dependent upon works, not grace.  IF love can be great to mold children into how they should act, but it should not be the only love displayed.

Children view BECAUSE love as being more protective of the parent and not considerate of the child.  It is based upon appearance, because a parent holds a certain position, i.e. a president of a company, may expect certain things from their child and they have to conduct themselves in a certain manner.  This means not bringing shame upon the parents and upholding the family’s name.  This could be a great kind of love also because it brings children a sense of responsibility and duty into their lives.  However, many times BECAUSE love is what keeps families together, because the family does not want to break their image. They may stay together for the children no matter what, even if they are no longer in love. 

Thirdly, ANYHOW love is recognized and thought about by children for their parents.  Children need ANYHOW love because of the many challenges they may be facing in their lives.  Children will make mistakes, just like adults did and still do.  ANYHOW love is patient and kind, not jealous or arrogant, does not insist on its own way, not irritable or resentful, does not rejoice in wrong but rejoices in the right, and bares, believes, and hope of all things.  Children may disappoint their parents at times but parents should love them anyhow. 

I can only hope that I am being a great role model to the children that are looking up to me and displaying actions of love for them to imitate.  Once I become a parent, I also hope that I will be able to display actions that are worthy of my children’s hearing and seeing.  One way to ensure this is to open the lines of communication between children and parents and/or trusted adults.  Knowing the things your children are doing, and how they are doing those things, will always show what the child is being taught through other people’s actions at home.  This goes back to an earlier example of the child calling God Mr. D.  A parent would have known that their child calls God Mr. D if they are keeping an open line of communication and could help to correct that behavior.  It’s always said that “learning starts at home.”        

For resources and information on how to talk to your child, visit our Parent Portal.

 by Edwina Mack, USC Master of Social Work Field Place Student, SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

  

Silence is Only Golden in the Movies…

I wholeheartedly believe that communication is the key to any worthwhile relationship, including the relationship between parents and children.  Ever since I was a little girl, my mother has shared with me that I can always come to her no matter what.  Knowing this, it made my relationship with my mother transcend into something so much more.  Over the years, I have talked to my mother about everything from guys to social pressures.  Through these conversations, my mother became more than my mother…she became my best friend.  Now, whenever I go through anything in life, the first person I call is my mom, and it is because she laid the foundation for open, honest communication from the start.

I dedicated my dissertation to my mother because she has always been that listening ear and my primary source of wisdom and advice.  My dissertation was on parent-child communication and my research found that having conversations early and being open and honest about sensitive issues will result in an increased bond between parent and child.  I encourage all young people to talk to your parents about what you are going through, and I challenge parents to be more open and receptive to what their child has to say.  Just because they talk about it, doesn’t mean they are doing it!  In celebration of Let’s Talk Month, I challenge all young people to start at least ONE conversation with their parent daily.  It can be about anything from fashion, to sports, or an upcoming pep rally!  The point is that it is never too late to start talking to your parents.  I am 28 and my mother just turned 60 last week, and I still call and talk to my mother every day about life and it is because she encouraged this communication from the start.  Don’t let fear or embarrassment silence you…START TALKING TODAY!

Click here for resources on talking with your children.

by India Rose, Post Doctoral Fellow, SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Advice from a gay guy to the straight guys about having kids...

So if you didn't know me or haven't met me before, let me start by admitting that yes, I'm gay, and I happen to care very deeply about the importance of preventing teen pregnancy. Friends and family are often surprised when I tell them about the work that I do, after all, my partner of 4 years and I, will never have to worry about an unplanned pregnancy. But that's the point I want to address with all those straight male readers out there. I want to give you some advice about what it takes to start a family.

Recently I read that Levi Johnston, famous for his relationship (and unplanned pregnancy) with Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol, just had his second child. When asked in an interview if this 2^nd pregnancy was planned he said “No, but uh, you know, things happen…” Things happen? Come on, man! Is that how babies are made? Have you been watching Disney’s Dumbo where babies were delivered by storks?!

Several of my family members have had children, and I love my nephews, niece, and cousin’s daughter all very dearly. In fact, I take great pride in being an uncle, shopping for birthday gifts is a blast every year and my relatives can count on Uncle Ryan to always give Dr. Seuss inspired books and toys or event better, baby sized Converse All Star (Chuck Taylor) shoes – passing along some of my favorite things to these wonderful children. But if you asked any of my family members, if they had planned to have kids, or in hind site, were they truly ready to have kids, I’m pretty certain all of them will admit that they were not ready to have kids at their age, even if they started at 25 and older with good careers and stable homes. Starting a family changes everything in life and guys need to prepare for that fact.

You see, intention to have kids, or another way of saying, planning when not to have kids, takes some effort. Using a condom takes a few steps starting with whether you actually have condoms available. Visiting a doctor to request hormonal contraception is not a difficult process for most individuals but takes effort to plan ahead. What is not difficult and costs nothing, is making the decision that you will wait to have sex, or deciding to take steps to delay pregnancy, until you are truly ready to have children!

See, if Levi Johnston, had been planning for when “things happen” was about to happen, he could have put on a condom or checked with his girlfriend about her contraception usage. That small step to plan a pregnancy or the delay of pregnancy, means the difference of having a child before you are ready to be a parent.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condemning Levi for having two children, both unintended, nor am I in anyway trying to imply that either child isn’t a wonderful addition to our planet. Each life that is born is precious and we should not demonize any child born as a result of the choices their parents made. But studies show, that when children are born to teen parents, their chances of growing up in poverty are higher, their health is often not as great, the cycle of poverty continues and the outcomes for the child are not usually as positive as when a child is born after careful family planning. The point being, if teens aren’t ready to start families because they are still teens, then we need to be helping support those teens decision to delay their families till they are ready to become adults.

Take it from a gay guy, who if he ever wants to have kids, will have to think long and hard about the choice between surrogacy or adoption, will have to save up thousands of dollars, employ lawyers and doctors to help get to a place where I can be a father… It will take a lot of planning and intention for me to have that child some day and to start a family with my partner. I will have to be absolutely sure about wanting to be a parent before I can start that process. Once I do become a father, I will love and support that child because I worked hard to reach a point where I was ready to start a family.

So my advice to straight guys, keep me in mind as you think about when you plan to start a family. You can’t just ‘you know, let things happen.’ You gotta put some thought and intention into your actions. You have to work just as hard NOT to have a child, as I have to work some day TO have a child. You gotta be willing to carry, and use, condoms to be sure that your not causing a pregnancy that you could prevent. You gotta have the guts to ask your partner if she is using birth control so you know whether she is taking her own steps to prevent pregnancy and then you still need to use the condom so you can prevent transmission of STDs.

by Ryan Wilson, Training Coordinator of the SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

New Generation of Communication....

While attending a recent youth workshop on social media hosted by the SC Campaign's FABULOUS Health Communications Specialist Taylor Wilson, I learned a few things about the art of social media. My discoveries included:


1) As a blogger, I tend to RANT. If you look back at any of my previous blogs on Personal Perspectives, you’ll notice that I’m often motivated to write because something or someone has ticked me off (see my blog on lingerie football if you don’t believe me). Fortunately for me, RANTS are a type of blog content that drive social engagement. Today, however, I’m choosing to LIST and discuss TRENDS. See? I’m learning! http://socialmediatoday.com/node/585646

2) My daily tweet totals (at both @upstateSC and @nrnspartanburg) contributed to the 16,000 tweets-per-second in 2012. (Yes. That is SECONDS. As in 60 seconds in a minute which results in 960,000 tweets-per-minute which results in 57,600,000 in an hour which results in numbers larger than I care to calculate!). http://socialmediatoday.com/your-social-move/438780/noteworthy-social-media-facts-begin-2012

3) Only 19.7% of the Facebook user-base is located in the United States. Hablas ingles, mi amigo? http://socialmediatoday.com/your-social-move/438780/noteworthy-social-media-facts-begin-2012

4) Twitter makes people better writers. While I tend to think I’m an excellent writer already, any of my college professors could tell you I had trouble with fluff, embellishment, and excess in my writing. (Notice how I just used three words there that basically all mean the same thing? Yeah. The profs noticed it, too.) Twitter forces you to say what you need to say in 140 characters or less so you must learn to be concise. This, of course, also means that what SHOULD say “Welcome to Not Right Now Spartanburg! We’re glad you’ve decided to be part of this amazing teen pregnancy prevention initative to improve our community and look forward to seeing what you bring to our team” will end up saying “Welcome 2 NRN Sptbg. Glad u joined teen preg prev work 4 our community. Get 2 work.” http://girlswithpens.com/2011/05/23/top-5-reasons-to-join-twitter/

5) I am old. In the world of social media, those of us who didn’t GROW up with it have much more trouble KEEPING up with it. My 13-year old niece taught me things I could do on my i-pad that I’d never known about. My 11-year old nephew added a baseball game app that now keeps flashing at me to do something with it. Young people aren’t afraid to try out something new and, in fact, are often looking for the even-better next thing out there.

Why did I choose to share all of this with you? Because, as one incredibly smart Health Communications Specialist I know shared, if we aren’t bringing the issue of teen pregnancy to the social media realm, we will quickly make ourselves irrelevant. And one of the best ways to bring the issue to social media is by engaging our young people using that platform.


To learn a little more about the power of social media, check out this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oi34kVUEL5c. Then post a video of your own. Share it on Facebook. Tweet it to all of your followers. Blog about it yourself. Let’s keep the conversation going and meet young people where they are. I’m sure there’s an app for that.

by Dana Becker, Spartanburg Community Specialist for the SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

Always be sure to Inspire, Connect, and Impact...

The kids are looking, so let's always Inspire, Connect, and Impact.

The stairs weren't this large, but Taylor, our blog manager, likes to exaggerate!

A few months ago, my then 2-year-old and I were walking downstairs at my Mother-in-Law's house.  I slipped while holding a glass of tea and, yes, I fell down the stairs. The rest of the family ­­­ FINE, I just lost my balance and dropped the glass.  My husband snickered because he knows how clumsy I can be, but everyone else was fine with my assertion that everything was ok….everyone except my 2-year old that is.  My toddler boldly inserts himself in the conversation and tells everyone to “WAIT…my Mommy FELL down those stairs RIGHT THERE and she fell LIKE THIS” – that’s when he goes back up the stairs and begins what turns into a live looped reenactment of my secretly not so flattering fall!!  No need for a You Tube video!  It was absolutely hilarious and made me realize that NOTHING gets past this kid.

All joking aside, as parents, teachers, counselors, social workers, and other youth-serving professionals, we should never take for granted how our words AND actions impact young people, especially those most vulnerable and at-risk.  None of us are perfect and young people KNOW THIS, so when we stumble or even fall, we must remember to show them how to persevere through difficult times, how to make tough decisions, and how to ask for help.

My immediate reaction to the fall was superficial…how do I look in this situation, how can I prove that I am really ok.  Yet, as adults, we always want kids to share, to be honest, and to listen.  Well, my toddler demanded that my true circumstances be brought to light.  And, really that’s what young people want…not to know all of our business, but to know that we care and are not judging them.  If we want young people to be open, then we must not be clouded by superficial notions of what things SHOULD look like, but be able to meet young people where they are and show our openness to what they have to say.

A few weeks ago, the SC Campaign hosted more than 350 youth-serving professionals at our 13^th annual Summer Institute, entitled Inspire, Connect, Impact.  We were grateful to have so many passionate adults willing to carve out some time to learn more about best practices in teen pregnancy prevention and other health/youth related efforts around the state and country.  Professional development opportunities like this shape our ability to effectively reach young people and to grow as mentors and role models for the next generation.

We can truly inspire, connect, and impact the lives of young people even as we constantly work our own way through the maze of life!

Kimberly Wicker is the Outreach Specialist for the SC Campaign.

Talking "the Talk"...

As someone who came into this field knowing very little about public health, I like to think I have learned quite a bit over the last five years and even have the talking points down pat, but having a son of my own, I have realized that it is much easier to talk the talk than it is to walk the walk.

What do I mean? Well, it is very easy to tell the public that parents are the number one influence on their children's decisions about love, sex and relationships. Very easy to tell parents they need to start conversations early and have them often. Very easy to tell parents to use teachable moments as a way to have ongoing conversations.

What's not so easy is when it's your own child and mine is only 2! But I am taking the advice of my colleagues and literally practicing what I preach.
Over the last couple of months I have come to realize that even for toddlers, teachable moments abound. In full disclosure, there is really no private time for mommy, so when Lucas follows me to the bathroom he has many questions - like why Mommy doesn't stand up or my favorite, "mommy, oh no, your penis is gone!!!" But, thanks to my job, I am equipped to use these moments to teach Lucas about body parts (so proud that he knows the real names) and how boys and girls are different, instead of shying away and avoiding his questions.

Believe me, I know the questions are going to get harder, but my hope is that they don't stop coming. I want Lucas to feel comfortable talking with me about tough topics and hopefully by "starting early" that will be our reality.

by:  Cayci Banks, Director of Communications, cbanks@teenpregnancysc.org.

Giving Back on Our "Road Trip"!

The clouds hang heavy and low, and the air is thick with humidity. The sticky days of summer are back in South Carolina. Despite the fact that the weather is hot and bothered, the SC Campaign staff is celebrating Christmas!

Well, not exactly Christmas. May is Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month, which around our office is almost just as exciting as when old St. Nick visits! We’re packing our cars full of staff to travel around the state raising awareness around teen pregnancy. The Road Show 2012 is already well underway and staff  have already visited 23counties in South Carolina. As a part of our Road Show event, we’re hosting volunteer events around the state. As a lifelong busy body, community service has become a passion of mine.

Volunteering helps individuals feel more connected to their community while improving their overall mood. It’s a win-win: the individual gains a stronger sense of community engagement while the organization is able to save money to invest in its efforts elsewhere. Many non-profit organizations do not have the budget to cover all of the projects on their to-do list – not to mention the time to spend completing them. Instead of spending time and money on planting flowers or painting, the organization is likely to focus on making ends meet to fund the staff who are working so hard to achieve the goals of the organization. As community members, we may not have the skills necessary to help balance the budget or construct a marketing plan, but we do have a little spare time.

What if you talked to the staff at the child center down the road whose yard looks like a desert about planting some flowers? What if you talked to the staff at the teen clinic about painting the beige walls of the waiting room a more inviting color? The staff would be blown away with your generosity and you would be forever grateful for the experience.

During the Road Show last year, SC Campaign staff hosted three volunteer events. When you mention these events around our office, faces light up. The warm feeling still persists within these volunteers. Giving back to the community not only helps the organization, but helps ignite a fire within the volunteer to send good into the world.

With the fire still burning from last year, we wanted to do more volunteer events this year. So far we have many events planned: a book drive for an underprivileged school in Horry County, planting flowers at a children’s home in Clinton, reading to elementary school children in Lexington County, and a staff appreciation day at a clinic in Charleston.

Volunteering is a way to give back to your community. These past few years have brought on tough economic times for every community. We have all been affected by this in one way or another. Volunteering your time to an organization that serves a cause that is near and dear to your heart is tremendously valuable (and free!). I encourage all of you to get involved in your community. Find an organization whose beliefs align with your own and give them a call. Perhaps you can spare a few hours a month to walk dogs at a local shelter, deliver hot meals to senior citizens, read to children at a local hospital or organize a clothing drive for a homeless shelter.

As my Yogi tea bag reminded me the other day “you are limitless.” Go forth and do good.

Why I Walked a Mile

Yesterday, I walked a mile. I walked a mile across cobble stones and pavement. I walked a mile in 3” platform heels. 

I walked a mile as a male wearing those heels. I walked a mile in her shoes to raise awareness for sexual assault in the Midlands of South Carolina. In 2007 there were over 1,500 arrests for sex-related crimes in South Carolina according to Sexual Trauma Services of the Midlands. And those are just the numbers of reported crimes that reached an arrest. What about all the crimes that are never reported to police? There’s no way of knowing how many of our neighbors, friends, coworkers, and family members have experienced unwanted sexual contact. That’s why I walk, so that those without voices will have someone to represent them.

According to RAINN.org approximately 10% of sexual assault survivors are male, but I bet that number is under reported in the US. So I walked a mile in his shoes too, to be a voice for men and boys who don’t feel comfortable to speak out about their difficult experiences as survivors of sexual assault. We teach our young men to be tough, to stay strong, and yet how often do we teach them how to express their feelings and how to speak up when they’ve been wronged?

I walked a mile as a former victim’s advocate who, for more than two years, sat beside victims of sexual assault to help them through the process of healing and if they chose, to find justice for the crimes committed against them. I walked a mile in their shoes so that people who know me, will know that I am still a confidential ear who will listen to them, a shoulder that they can cry on, a resource that they can turn to if they have experiences that they wish to share with someone they can trust.

I walked a mile as an educator helping to teach youth about love, sex, and relationships. So often we don’t talk to youth at all about sex. Sometimes when we do talk about sex, we only tell them not to do it or else. Other times we teach them about how to protect themselves from HIV, STDs, and from unplanned pregnancy. But, how often do we teach our youth actual skills for refusing unwanted sexual activity? How often do we give them a chance to learn and practice how to give a firm “no” and how to respect someone who has said no? How often do we take the time to teach young people how alcohol and drugs can impair their judgment in sexual situations? Instead, we focus on issues like drunk driving; it is easier to talk about that than to talk about sex. Well, I walked a mile to remind youth that consent is sexy, that anything less than a yes is still no, and that it is ok to say no if you are not ready to have sex. I walked a mile to inspire parents to talk to their kids about the difficult topics, just like walking on cobblestone in high heels is difficult. Sometimes we must show courage and step forward to do what is right even when we are embarrassed. Come on parents and trusted adults, will you walk a mile with me?

I personally believe that we must empower our young people to take brave stands to protect themselves, while giving them the skills they need to make healthy and smart choices for their future. Like shopping for the right pair of shoes, not one size fits all. We sometimes have to use different approaches with different young people. We have to educate them on all the options so that they can chose the shoes that fit right, look right, and feel right for them. These empowered and educated young people will then be able to walk many miles without having to wear her shoes, or the shoes of anyone who is a survivor of sexual assault. I walked a mile so that hopefully others in the future, will not have to walk; so that by raising awareness of issues we often don’t address, we can put an end to the problem forever.

That’s why I walked a mile in her shoes yesterday. Next year I’m going to be a team captain and recruit all of my friends to walk with me. Will you walk with me?

by:  Ryan Wilson, Training Coordinator, SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.  Reach out to Ryan at rwilson@teenpregnancys.org.

Revealing New Spin on Football

Orlando Fantasy. Las Vegas Sin. Philadelphia Passion. San Diego Seduction. What sounds like very expensive, potent cocktails are actually titles of teams competing in the Lingerie Football League. The LFL, started in 2009, claims to have “formally shattered” the ceiling on women playing tackle football. The ladies who play on these teams are powerful athletes without a doubt and deserve to compete at a professional level in a sport that has traditionally been for men only. However, if the only way for a woman to compete at that level requires her to run around a football field in her underwear, have we really accomplished anything to improve the status of women in our society?

I know I have a soapbox related to the portrayal of women in the media (hope to write another blog post soon about the Miss Representation documentary which aired recently on the Oprah Winfrey Network). If you talk to me long enough, you’ll quickly find out how much things like the LFL tick me off. But above and beyond the misguided concept that women are making strides for equality because they’re allowed to play football in their underwear, the LFL has decided to go one step farther. They are developing youth leagues.


Yes, you heard correctly. Here’s part of the press announcement (with thoughts by me in italics): “With the growing popularity around the LFL [by what shockingly appears to be mostly men who regularly comment on the LFL Facebook page with original quips about the athletes like “she can sack me anytime”], younger and younger girls are starting to dream of playing LFL football. [I doubt this is what Martin Luther King, Jr. had in mind.] In recent months and years, parents [clearly loving, caring parents who aspire for their daughters to grow up and accomplish great things] of young ladies routinely contact LFL league offices inquiring about everything ranging from what size football do you use to what form of training should I place my daughter into now to prepare her for LFL football [clearly in addition to scheduling her implant surgery, regular spray-tans, and salon appointments].”

There is so much about all of this that makes me angry, I’ve had trouble compiling my thoughts for this blog, but here’s an attempt:

• If playing football is something women aspire to, then let’s look at what is SAFEST for them as much as we would for men. Playing tackle football with only helmets and shoulder pads doesnot seem safe – much less comfortable. Could you imagine men playing in something similar?

• If we want for people to truly see and appreciate the athleticism of women on the football field, could we allow them to be dressed in such a way as to emphasis their talent rather than their cup-size?
• In a recent survey conducted by Essence Magazine with the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 72% of young people surveyed said that the media portrayed black girls’ sex appeal as their most important quality and 39% of females who had had sex said they wished someone had told them they had more to offer someone than just sex. Is it any wonder our young people feel this way when organizations like the Lingerie Football League are airing games on MTV2 – a channel viewed predominantly by teens? Is it possible to feature beautiful, strong, smart black women with CLOTHES ON???

 

My final thought has caused me the most trouble since discovering the LFL and the idea of a youth league to ultimately recruit new players – even though the league founder and commissioner guarantees that “we would never put 13 year olds in lingerie and have them play in our league”  (many thanks to ESPNW for clarifying that for us!).  What do we DO about things like this? What do we DO when we see women continuously being portrayed as sex objects or little girls being made up to look like grown women or female politicians being asked more about their clothing choices than their thoughts on foreign policy? What do we DO when we see girls flipping through magazines or channels and looking with some sense of inadequacy at the made-up, touched up images they feel constantly forced to compare themselves to?

I’ve decided to finally DO something. I’m starting with conversations – with adult women I look up to and with young women I admire and hope to influence in positive ways. I hope to keep you informed on how those conversations go - whether or not talking about what we see, struggle with, and get angry about can help to ultimately bring about change. And in the meantime, I’ll stick to watching NCAA football and will skip the LFL games. How about you?

- Dana Becker, M.Ed, is the Spartanburg Community Specialist for the SC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Contact Dana at dbecker@teenpregnancysc.org.